Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize