i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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