4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
