Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
