The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
