i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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