I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
