This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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