Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
