new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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