I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
