so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
