thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
