i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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