When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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