If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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