Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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