party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
