Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
