I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
