dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That accounts for only three of the penises
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Randomize
