no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
