I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
