I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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