Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Also, beer. Big fan.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
