what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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