Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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