Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's shark week go big or go home
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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