what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I am midnight drunk by noon
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
