Four minutes until I can fart!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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