apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
