god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
