I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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