Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
