Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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