I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
