I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
