bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
