He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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