In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
