We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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