my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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