theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.