Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
