Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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