i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
