My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
