rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
