bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
