I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
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everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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