you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
