JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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