I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
