Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
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I wish there were birth control emojis
It's blow job season.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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